Number eight will shock you!



by Keith McLendon


You may have noticed there are quite a few headlines on the internet designed purely to lure you into clicking on them. These story titles, dubbed “clickbait,” are designed to pique your curiosity and quite often have absolutely nothing to do with the story that comes up when you get there. Kinda like my headline here. Sorry. Not really. ; ) As much as I like to write good headlines that actually have something to do with —and are descriptive of—the stories they go with, I decided to play with the clickbait concept this week and see where it went. All work and no play you know. Might as well get to the list though. Will any of this help your sex life? Maybe. Maybe not. The results will astound you!

1. Vigorous Massage:

Keep it UP! I know what you were thinking but hey, everyone likes to be touched and massage can help with circulation. Gentle touching aids in intimacy too, just don’t make it a “Harvey Weinstein” kind of touch.

2. Try these strategies to stay young

An article titled: “Supermodels apply these three simple tricks to look young. Click to know what they are” gives us this valuable advice: Get eight hours of sleep, exercise regularly, and keep a positive attitude.

If you are a grouchy insomniac couch potato you may actually need this advice. The rest of us will only feel duped into clicking.

3. Simple tricks to get you the Big “O”

Face it. You are going to have to work this one out for yourself. If you can, then maybe someone else can help you out too. In terms of clickbait though, add a “Simple tricks” to almost anything and you have a headline folks will want to read more about.

4. What this celebrity looks like today will amaze you

I see these all the time. People age… and we have a morbid desire to see what people we once thought of in a certain way look like today. I got sucked in by “You won’t believe what Christy Canyon looks like now.”

Ms. Canyon was a celebrity of sorts in the 80s (if you know… you know) and I thought “What the hell? Let’s see.” and clicked away. Unfortunately, what popped up was a “slideshow” of “then and now” photos featuring several stars of the past. After clicking, clicking and more clicking I got to the end of the slideshow… which did not even have the decency to include the lady in question. Kind of anti-climactic… which is weird for Christy Canyon.

5. Push the right buttons:

Get past the BS! In every slideshow I have seen, you will eventually notice an arrow that makes you think “Hey, this will take me to the next page!” Not so much. Where it will take you is some other sponsored site. You are being trained. I have no idea the ultimate and most likely nefarious purpose of this training, but you will, at some point, learn to find the icon that gets you to the next slide.

6. This will make you squirm!

This is just me wanting to use the word “squirm” in an article ostensibly about sex. Squirm just sounds dirty. Go ahead. Say it to yourself a few times and see if you don’t.

7. Teasing tips for amazing climaxes!

Wait. I’ll tell you about this in a minute. I’m building to something. This technique will shock you and your partner!

8. This technique will shock you and your partner

If you were still looking for how number eight would “shock you,” try sticking the leads of a 9-volt battery on your tongue. I started to say “stick your finger in a wall socket,” but that would have been irresponsible … especially if someone actually tried it. God knows I am “Mr. Responsible.”

 9.Are you dominant or submissive? This test will tell you!

A lot of times clickbait headlines will draw you in by challenging your intelligence or offering you insights to your personality. I just used this particular one to fit this joke in: A masochist and a sadist got together and the masochist implored, “Beat me, beat me!” Hearing this, the sadist cooly replied, “No.”

10. This tongue technique drives both men and women crazy!

Use it to talk to your partner. Communication, it turns out, is fairly important to good relationships. Who knew?

 11. Tips to reach climax every time!

I know the headline said 10 things. I decided to go to eleven. Climax just means the culmination of something. Since I have reached the end of my column, I have gotten to a climax.

I don’t know that this article will actually lead anywhere or means anything, but I hope it was fun for you too. I hope you’re satisfied. I know I am. Maybe I should write another column … or just roll over and go to sleep.

Keith McLendon is the editor of The Saratoga Sun in Saratoga, Wyoming. This was first printed in that local weekly newspaper.

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